Things in life are definitely not what I have ever expected them to be. I have never felt such betrayal and hurt in my life.
[I just have to put this in here. I opened up my iTunes right as I was setting up to write. The first song that comes on is Breathe from the Newsboys. It couldn't have been more appropriate to settle my mind. Then ironically as I start typing the line above, Plain White T's come on and it's Hate (I Really Don't Like You). Good to know my playlist is in sync with me. Now it's Brendan Benson, What I'm Looking For. I should make a tracklist of while typing.]
Ok, so as I was saying. My life has been taking on a fictional lead. Unfortunately not the one that I'd always dream of, but one that is full of drama. Its like a really bad soap opera or night time drama show. My mind is constantly thinking of what has happened in our relationship, replaying the unknown details. At first, I was getting over the initial shock. All couple have their issues that need to be worked through. Though labeling it as an issue is quite down playing it. But maybe this is something that we learn from, I don't know.
I wanted to push through this, to work it out. I have never been on the end of being cheated on. I couldn't believe that 8 years of my life was just jeopardized. Maybe it was something I did or didn't do....what was the trigger? Was it wrong of me that after 8 years of being together to start voicing my thoughts of where this was going. Most couples at this point have made up their minds to committment or it was just something that both people agreed on. I always voiced I wanted to get married, it's one of those events in life you desire. To have that bond and committment, to share your name with someone and be complete. I wanted that, I yearned for it. I locked myself down b/c the feeling was strong that I personally needed to know where we were headed. Why, after 8 years, was this hesitation? I shut down, literally. I didn't want the intimate relations, unless I knew we had a future. The constant hoping was taking a toll. I didn't care about the house, I had nothing to say to him. Instead I immersed myself with my alternate life, where I was needed, part of a family.
I will never take the blame for what happened. It wasn't my decision to do what he did. That was his choice, his way of getting his point across. He can say that he never wanted to become his father, but I told him that was up to him. His father, who has passed for 5 years now, cannot be his crutch for that action. I can never believe that for one minute.
What I'm sorry for, is his family. I absolutely adore his family. His grandparents are the sweetest, most caring people. His brother and sister couldn't be any better. I've taken to considering them my family. So not only has his ill choice hurt me, but I'm sure it'll affect his family as well.
But the two that it'll affect the most, Laura and Daniel. He cried, threw a fit, and complained about Laura knowing. I'm sorry, but I would never let my daughter know what her Daddy did, no matter how messed up and hurtful it was to me. He is their father and that I have to respect that.
As I'm typing this, I feel in my heart that my mind has been made up on what needs to happen. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it. There couldn't have been better timing with this. Sure, just drop the bomb right at the holidays. At Thanksgiving, trying to act like nothing happened in front of his grandparents was hard. I just can't live a life where I'm going to be doubting everything that is said to me. Is this really where he is going?? And let's not mention his "best friend." I have a few choice words for that thing. But whatever, she can deal with his inconsiderate ways. That's probably what she wanted.
I need to find my happiness again. What a struggle it is going to be to get there, but I know I'm not alone. I have one hell of a group of friends, online and here standing next to me. It's time to post my epilogue of this life and start a new preface. May the next story be a "happily ever after."
While I was typing/thinking, these were the songs that were coming on. It gives you an idea on how long it takes me to type out my feelings on this, but really, the songs that were popping up were too ironic.
Breathe- Newsboys
Hate (I Really Don't Like You)- Plain White T's
What I'm Looking For- Brendan Benson
Buddy Holly- Weezer
This is the Life- Hannah Montana
Another Bag of Bones-Kevin Devine
Getcha Head in the Game- HSM
Jump (for my love)- Pointer Sisters
The Tide- Newsboys
Lullabye (Hammers and Strings)- Jack's Mannequin
Greatest Story Ever Told- Oliver James
All For Love- Bryan Adams, Sting, Rod Stewart
Sundress- Ben Kweller
Hands Open- Snow Patrol
So Long, So Long- Dashboard Confessional